"Tracy, I'm a fan of your work and my God position is still up in the air but I like your style. I was married for 9 years. We dated for 10 years before he asked me to marry him... When I look back at my life I am angry at myself for having low self esteem. Who waits 10 years for a man to ask them to marry them? I gave him almost 20 years of my life and he divorced me... How do I do this? -Lilly"
Lilly, you do this one step at a time. Divorce travels the same road as grief due to the fact that you lost your spouse even though they are still living. So your anger is a result of the grief you are feeling, because you lost your husband. Divorce recovery is a process---it's a journey.
I do agree that this was quite a long time to have put your life on hold for one man, but I'm not going to make you feel bad for allowing yourself to date him for ten years. However, I do sense that your love for him ran and continues to run very deep within your soul. When we discover that we love a person it's not the worse thing in the world which is why love makes us ALL do some foolish things like wait for ten years. I know right now you feel angry or possibly even a little embarrassed for allowing yourself to give this man so much power over the movement of your life when you were dating only to discover that this same man decided he no longer wanted to be married to you. Despite ALL of this, you have to still forgive yourself. Not only do you have to forgive yourself, you have to forgive your ex husband as well.
As painful as it is, you have to allow yourself to feel the pain so that you can move past it to find that God still has purpose for you. Lilly, you are not alone, so don't isolate yourself. Find and connect with someone who has the credentials to help you walk through this journey. I know you may not realize this, but there are other women who have or had similar marital situations and waited years just like you. People have different motivations why they do this. Sometimes they don't like being in the dating game, and it's just easier to stay in a relationship even though they know it's not working. Sometimes they feel they have invested too much into the relationship, and they are bent on staying. Sometimes it can even be that they desire to be in a certain family. Whatever your reason for staying with him all those years, my advice to you now is to not stay put in anger, bitterness, resentment, or even shame.
Anyone who understands how I think knows that I am BIG on seeing how people's actions support whether they are being intentional or unintentional. I wholeheartedly believe that a person's actions speak louder than what they say they are going to do or their belief that they have every intention to do something. So, Lilly, I want you to be intentional about picking up your divorce pieces and getting any help that you may need so that you can keep moving forward. Something tells me that you are a fighter, and I know you are strong enough to forgive, let go, and embrace the love that God has already made available to you if you allow Him to be a part of your life.
Thank you for allowing me to share your story!
Tracy
Lilly, you do this one step at a time. Divorce travels the same road as grief due to the fact that you lost your spouse even though they are still living. So your anger is a result of the grief you are feeling, because you lost your husband. Divorce recovery is a process---it's a journey.
I do agree that this was quite a long time to have put your life on hold for one man, but I'm not going to make you feel bad for allowing yourself to date him for ten years. However, I do sense that your love for him ran and continues to run very deep within your soul. When we discover that we love a person it's not the worse thing in the world which is why love makes us ALL do some foolish things like wait for ten years. I know right now you feel angry or possibly even a little embarrassed for allowing yourself to give this man so much power over the movement of your life when you were dating only to discover that this same man decided he no longer wanted to be married to you. Despite ALL of this, you have to still forgive yourself. Not only do you have to forgive yourself, you have to forgive your ex husband as well.
As painful as it is, you have to allow yourself to feel the pain so that you can move past it to find that God still has purpose for you. Lilly, you are not alone, so don't isolate yourself. Find and connect with someone who has the credentials to help you walk through this journey. I know you may not realize this, but there are other women who have or had similar marital situations and waited years just like you. People have different motivations why they do this. Sometimes they don't like being in the dating game, and it's just easier to stay in a relationship even though they know it's not working. Sometimes they feel they have invested too much into the relationship, and they are bent on staying. Sometimes it can even be that they desire to be in a certain family. Whatever your reason for staying with him all those years, my advice to you now is to not stay put in anger, bitterness, resentment, or even shame.
Anyone who understands how I think knows that I am BIG on seeing how people's actions support whether they are being intentional or unintentional. I wholeheartedly believe that a person's actions speak louder than what they say they are going to do or their belief that they have every intention to do something. So, Lilly, I want you to be intentional about picking up your divorce pieces and getting any help that you may need so that you can keep moving forward. Something tells me that you are a fighter, and I know you are strong enough to forgive, let go, and embrace the love that God has already made available to you if you allow Him to be a part of your life.
Thank you for allowing me to share your story!
Tracy
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