"Tracie, my question is a little different... and I guess a part of me feels a little petty for asking it. I'm dating this guy that I met when I was buying a car about two years ago... He's divorced, 3 boys, and treats me good. The petty part is that he still has pictures up of his ex wife everywhere. His house is filled with pictures of his ex wife even their wedding photos. He even got pictures up of her in his office at work... The divorce didn't end good... I did talk with him about this... I just don't understand this. Can you help...?" --Aimee
Aimee, your feelings are not petty, and I am glad you reached out. You never know how many people you are helping by reaching out. So let's get to the real issue at hand. If I could pull the band aid off quickly, it seems he's ready to date but not move on. Folks who are single again (regardless of the reason) do reach a point that they are ready to move on. There is a difference between dating in these situations, because maybe you are lonely or have pressure from your family and friends vs. dating and sincerely moving on in all areas of your life. I believe people can talk a good talk about what they want to do, but if you have read any of my other social media connections, I put a big emphasis on how actions ALWAYS speak louder than words and good intentions. I do realize people let go of the life they thought they would have in different ways and at different speeds. If an appropriate span of time has passed, I believe pictures displayed reflect the secret areas of his heart. He maybe fully functioning as a single dad on the outside, but inside he is not ready to let go. See putting the pictures away means he's ready to put her away from the space they shared. I believe it is good for him to have a photo album that he can keep to reflect on when he feels the need, because he is indeed on a healing journey. This way he can show honor to his new wife (if he ever marries again) and his boys. As a single mom myself, I totally understand the sensitivities in honoring my child's feelings about decisions that have a direct impact in our day to day living. When children are involved, single parents can sometimes use their children as an escape route to mask the fact that they aren't ready to do something new. Of course, there needs to be balance in this. For me if I were seriously dating someone whose now single again (despite the reason), I would certainly equate seeing all kinds of pictures up in his home or office as a BIG red flag especially if I believe an appropriate amount of time has passed. Like you I would definitely talk with him about this, because maybe he doesn't realize it. After all, some guys are not into the small details like we women can sometimes be. Maybe there are issues with his children that he may have to actively sort through so that he can take down the pictures without hurting his boys' feelings? By the way, I believe the boys should have a picture(s) up of their mom in their rooms if they want too. It may make you feel a little awkward, but it is their mom regardless of how the marriage ended. As for you, take a moment to analyze your feelings about this man. I will never advise anyone to lower their standards to accommodate wrong or negative behavior. If you haven't expressed the depth of how this bothers you, then you need to do that in a loving way. You need to get a "temperature" of his reasoning and be prepared to accept that he is not ready to close this chapter of his life just yet. I'm praying for wisdom for the both of you, and thank you for allowing me to share your story.
Aimee, your feelings are not petty, and I am glad you reached out. You never know how many people you are helping by reaching out. So let's get to the real issue at hand. If I could pull the band aid off quickly, it seems he's ready to date but not move on. Folks who are single again (regardless of the reason) do reach a point that they are ready to move on. There is a difference between dating in these situations, because maybe you are lonely or have pressure from your family and friends vs. dating and sincerely moving on in all areas of your life. I believe people can talk a good talk about what they want to do, but if you have read any of my other social media connections, I put a big emphasis on how actions ALWAYS speak louder than words and good intentions. I do realize people let go of the life they thought they would have in different ways and at different speeds. If an appropriate span of time has passed, I believe pictures displayed reflect the secret areas of his heart. He maybe fully functioning as a single dad on the outside, but inside he is not ready to let go. See putting the pictures away means he's ready to put her away from the space they shared. I believe it is good for him to have a photo album that he can keep to reflect on when he feels the need, because he is indeed on a healing journey. This way he can show honor to his new wife (if he ever marries again) and his boys. As a single mom myself, I totally understand the sensitivities in honoring my child's feelings about decisions that have a direct impact in our day to day living. When children are involved, single parents can sometimes use their children as an escape route to mask the fact that they aren't ready to do something new. Of course, there needs to be balance in this. For me if I were seriously dating someone whose now single again (despite the reason), I would certainly equate seeing all kinds of pictures up in his home or office as a BIG red flag especially if I believe an appropriate amount of time has passed. Like you I would definitely talk with him about this, because maybe he doesn't realize it. After all, some guys are not into the small details like we women can sometimes be. Maybe there are issues with his children that he may have to actively sort through so that he can take down the pictures without hurting his boys' feelings? By the way, I believe the boys should have a picture(s) up of their mom in their rooms if they want too. It may make you feel a little awkward, but it is their mom regardless of how the marriage ended. As for you, take a moment to analyze your feelings about this man. I will never advise anyone to lower their standards to accommodate wrong or negative behavior. If you haven't expressed the depth of how this bothers you, then you need to do that in a loving way. You need to get a "temperature" of his reasoning and be prepared to accept that he is not ready to close this chapter of his life just yet. I'm praying for wisdom for the both of you, and thank you for allowing me to share your story.
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